


Spiders are arachnids

by noshallowend



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel 616, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: 5+1 Things, Dirty Talk, Face-Sitting, Foot Fetish, How Do I Tag, Humor, I mean maybe just a little bit?, M/M, but like really stupid jokes, just mentioned briefly, repeated several times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-06-03 15:45:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19467109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noshallowend/pseuds/noshallowend
Summary: A series of one-shots in which spiders are arachnids five times, and then there's that one extra time when Peter wishes they weren't (but they happen to be anyway)





	1. 5

**Author's Note:**

> This work was originally written for a challenge in another language, but has never seen the light of AO3 ever since, so now I'm editing and publishing it in English for yall's pleasure and/or judgement. Comments are welcomed and appreciated!

“You're exaggerating, Wade.”

“Easy for you to say. Not like you have a face which only an insect might want to sit on.”

Peter turns to him frowning, as if he’s just said something really stupid, and Wade is already expecting another boring talk about appearance not being the most important part of a person, and about him being not so bad when—

“Actually, spiders are not insects. They're arachnids.”

Wade rolls his eyes.

“Whatever, biology-schmiology, I haven’t even finished the high— Wait what did you just say?..”


	2. 4

“Wade! Wade. You’re alive. Jeez, don’t scare me like that.”

Wade breathes in and out slowly, looking at the painfully familiar (sometimes quite literally painfully) white lenses and tense lips. He lifts up his hands and slaps himself on both cheeks…bare cheeks. Without the mask.

This is not exactly how he usually wakes up.

Wade leaves the bathroom after ten minutes of staring at his own reflection in an effort not to burst out crying and mentally bidding farewell to his now inevitably lost friend who must hate him by now. When he does, Spider-Man is still in his living room, and he hasn’t even vomited all over the couch. Wicked.

“What the fuck… You know what I died of this time? Seems I was bitten by some kind of bed bugs. Looks like an allergy. See? There’s a huge red spot”, Wade is pointing at his neck, on which an impressive red bruise is already quickly disappearing.

“Bug? Uh no, spiders are arachnids…oh.”

Wade watches silently, without even blinking, as Spider-Man’s chin starts blushing aggressively.

“I mean”, Spider-Man goes on, “er, spiders. The spider. Which bit you. Accidentally. Must have been the black widow, seeing that you died so quickly.”

“Hell yes”, Wade cracks up with laughter, “How did you guess? She is actually the second on my bite permit list! Guess who’s the first. Will you bite me on the neck, Spidey?” Wade winks, leaning in closer, tugging on his suit to show more of his skin.

Spider-man goes even redder (if that is possible) and hides his face in his palms.


	3. 3

“I wonder how it works with the Ant-Man. How can he lift heavy things even when he turns into a Thumbelina? I mean, he wasn’t bitten by anyone, right? What do you think, Spidey, is his power proportional to his full-size self, or is it like yours? Aww, I wouldn’t mind getting pushed into a wall with all might by some super-powerful bug. I’d come hard that exact second they touch me. Entomophobia is definitely not my thing. Right?” Wade pushes him with his shoulder lightly.

“Wha?..” Peter, surfacing back to reality from somewhere far away in his thoughts, jerks upright. “Entomophobia? But Wade, I think I’ve already told you, spiders are arachnids…”

“I don’t want to ever think about why you would say that right now. Wait, I do. Why did you say that? Wait, Spidey where are you going? Wait!”


	4. 2

“Really? You are in love? Damn, Spidey, I so envy you, you can’t even imagine!” Wade squeals, and his face does show something remotely resembling envy, though now that he thinks of it, it looks much closer to disappointment mixed with a bit of pain. “Aww, Spidey I’d love to feel those butterflies in my stomach. Or, you know”, Wade makes an unambiguous gesture with all his body, “I don’t mind some other love bug getting there, if you know what I mean…”

“Why do I have a feeling I’m saying this for like the hundredth time”, Spider-Man draws wearily, shaking head and leaning onto Wade’s shoulder with his back, “Spiders are not bugs. The taxonomy class is arachnids.”

Wade goes still, body tense and not breathing.

“Wait, so… Is this the only thing that bothers you in that sentence?”

“Should I be bothered by anything else?” Spider-man smirks, throwing his head back and pulling Wade closer into a kiss.


	5. 1

When Wade comes home to his window open ajar and complete darkness all around the apartment, the first thing he does is calling Spider-Man as if it was 9-1-1.

“Sorry, bro, I’ll have to do a rain check on our Netflix and Chill for tonight”, he babbles to the answering machine as carelessly as he can manage to pretend. “Just don’t come here, there’s a flood, the plumbing broke down and the apartment is covered in poo, and can you imagine…”

Giving it a second thought, he sighs and tells the truth before Spider-Man actually gets worried and comes to him anyway.

“Okay, actually, someone has found out about the apartment. I must have been bugged. You’d better not show up, who knows if your old friend Norman—”

“Bugged?” slowly, sarcastically, a familiar voice drawls from somewhere in the shades of Wade’s bedroom.

Wade swallows nervously and drops his hand that’s still clutching the burner, the call in process.

“Spidey?”

“I thought we had agreed, Wade”, Peter purrs, walking out of the shadows in nothing but his boxers, with a mop of ruffled up, unbearably beguiling brown hair and those chocolate eyes—Wade would drown in them over and over again if he could.

“We? You… Spidey, is that you?” Wade gasps. “Agreed? What…”

“…on the point that spiders are not bugs. They are arachnids”, he continues as he pushes Wade down onto his bed.


	6. +1

“Wait, if spiders are arthropods, does it mean you have more members for me to admire?” Wade runs his hand over Peter’s left thigh, at the same time following down the right with his lips, binds Peter’s leg carefully, pushing the knee down and to the side. Peter’s flexibility is as impressive as his stone-hard dick stuck firmly to his stomach.

“The class… Is arachnids”, Peter moans, arching his back. “Told you.”

  
“Oh? So I’m about to find out about four more glorious items on my personal foot fetish list?” Wade lifts his eyebrows playfully while trailing his tongue down the toe on his right foot and pulling it in between his lips.

“God”, Peter whines, covering his mouth with his hand and throwing his head back. “I wish they were insects.”

“You don’t say that”, Wade winks, leaving Peter’s legs alone and turning to his dick now dying for some attention. After one lazy touch of the scarred fingers stroking up and down Peter cries out and arches his back. The patchwork of the scars on Wade’s hands sends shivers down his spine. “What wouldn’t I give to cocoon your caterpillar… Cheer up, I might not be able to weave a whole new silk cocoon for you, but I can promise I’ll make you tweep a web or two tonight.”

“Be careful not to get into it yourself then”, Peter grins, squeezing Wade’s shoulders with his hips and turning them both over in a swift move. “So, what were you saying about wanting some spiders on your face?”


End file.
